I am a suicide attempts survivor. I have been struggling with depression since my early days in varsity.
Through all my suicide attempts I was never diagnosed. I had no one to talk to. At that time I didn’t even know I was depressed. All I remember was the sadness, loneliness and deep sense of not belonging. I was a prisoner of my thoughts. Anxiety got the best of me. I had created the worst case scenarios in my head. The little voice in my head became louder. All I could hear was I weren’t good enough, that I was a failure. At the end I believed those lies. They became my reality. Every day it got worse to a point where I snapped, I believed I wasn’t worthy to live, I was useless and that no one loved me. They were better off without me I told myself.
I remember thinking that no one will miss me when I’m gone. I wanted out. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted all to stop. I desperately wanted out, the pain was too much. But I had no one to talk to. No one had any idea of what I was going through. All I had was my little diary.
As one writer outs it, depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. Lao Tzu described depression as living in the past and anxiety is living in the future. Depression is the hopelessness and loneliness one is going through.
Our black community are ignorant, or should I say uneducated when it comes to mental sickness. Most of them don’t believe it exist and I think that is another reason we have escalating numbers of suicides among us.
I founded Lighthouse Support Group NGO in hope to help others understand depression and anxiety as well as reduce the stigma associated with the condition.
I aim at reaching to young people with main purpose is to lend an ear, without judgement to those who needs to talk. I also believe i can spread hope and light by sharing my story with those struggling with the disease.
To whoever reading this, you are not alone. This is not the end. Breath and reach out to the next person. There is hope, God’s mercies are new every morning. Do not despair, for He is with you 😊
There are various organisations in South Africa who are offering free professional help for depression, please visit Lighthouse Support Group: http://www.lighthousengo.co.za/ for more information.
As Jeffrey Eugenides puts it: depression is like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind”.
It is by God’s grace that I am alive today. I hope to shed light and help prevent suicide attempt. I would like to spread kindness and encourage you that, you are beautiful, you are loved and this is not the end. Joy comes every morning.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you need an ear to listen.
Let’s prevent suicide together!!!